Is that all?

Welcome to the 28th and final day of the 30 minus 2 days of writing challenged hosted by Nicky and Mike of "We Work For Cheese".  Please visit Nicky's post for the cheesy wrap up. 

As we listen in we hear two friends dealing with the stress of the challenge.

Hey, you can't wear that, it's too cheesy.  You'll look like a tramp.

Now hold on a minute, I yelled back, and the next thing I knew we were arguing to test the bonds of friendship. 

You'd better put out the light before someone sees you in that.

Well my home is my haven and I'll do what I want.  Lemme see that.  Are you texting someone?  I read French you know.

Fifteen minutes later the mayor pulls up.  I just got back from my road trip and I heard the fighting.  I haven't heard anything like that since the day I met Abraham Lincoln.  I was being charged with an (unintended) misuse of campaign funds.  By the way, do you know where I can get a good blintz?  I'm starving.

Mr. Mayor, would you please shut up or else we'll have to ask you to leave. 

That music is awful, can you please change the station.

Oh, so now you're telling me what to listen to?  

I'm outta here.

Whatever, dude. 

Home at last, he pops open a beer while dialing the pizza shop.  A large everything, please.

As for me, I crash on the couch, flip on the TV and watch the shopping channel.  It's the little things, you know.

They are showing the latest fashion in footwear.  Where's the phone?  Wait, I liked the other shoe better.  Last Train to Clarksville is playing in the background.  

There's a noise coming from the back yard...dogs?   Compulsively, I check the door for the umpteenth time.  I know it's absurd, but I can't help it.  What's that Confusius says "Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated."

I don't know if that's fact or fiction, or if the outfit is cheesy, or if the shoes will match, and did the mayor ever get his blintz?

This has been a very weird day, and that's why I got drunk.

Eli and the Redhead

Welcome to the 27th day of the 30 minus 2 days of writing challenge hosted by Nicky and Mike of "We Work for Cheese".  Today's prompt is "And That's Why I Got Drunk".  My contribution today is a work of fiction and yet another adventure in the life of Eli.  Now go visit Nicky's post for more excuses.

It was in the wee hours of the morning when Eli stumbled up his steps.  He fumbled with his keys, then dropped them.  They went over the rail and into the bushes.  He stumbled back down the steps, missed the last one and landed in a pile of dog poop.  "Darn dog", he mumbled.  He scrounged for the keys, and jabbed a thorn into his thumb. "Sh..!" 

Eli rights himself, sucks on his injured thumb, and climbs back up the steps.  

Four hours earlier: 

Eli was sitting on his favorite stool at the Come As You Are Saloon.  He liked this place because he knew everyone, and they all knew him.  It reminded him of that old TV show from the 80s.  You know the one - where everyone knows your name.

Anyway, he was sitting there nursing a Stella, when in walked a woman.  Not just any woman, but the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  She was a redhead, and he'd heard they could be feisty.  She was wearing 5-inch red stilettos and a black dress so tight it looked like she must have been born in it.  Her green eyes sent sparks flying when she looked his way.

Now Eli was an average dude, but he believed he sprang from Royalty.  He knew in his heart his mother was a Princess, and that made him special.

He left his stool and walked over to the gorgeous redhead. 

"What's your name, sweetheart?", he said, trying to be cool.

She just looked at him, then past him at his bar mate, Paul.  He tried again. 

"I said what's your name?  My name's Eli".

"Hmmm, that's nice.  What's his name?" indicating Paul who was watching this play out.  Poor Eli!  All the other women had turned him down.  They said he was just too weird...something about birds and he was constantly talking about his mother.

"Oh, that's Paul.  He's another regular here."

The redhead pushed past him and swayed over to where Paul was sitting.  "Hello there.  It's Paul, right?"

Not about to be left out Eli followed, then much to his embarrassment, he tripped on a loose floor board.  As he gyrated to try and stay upright he grabbed for the table, but got the redhead's...um...posterior instead. 

"Oh, sorry...I never did get your name," as he tried to recover.

As she swung and punched him in the nose, she said, "My. Name. Is. Judy."  Paul is now laughing openly at Eli's tortured look, not to mention his rapidly swelling nose.

"Bartender", called Paul, "another round on me, and an icepack for my friend, here." 

Eli slunk into a back booth, bemoaning his never ending stream of bad luck with women. About that time a man, another stranger to the bar, slid into the seat opposite him.  

"I saw what just happened.  That's a dang shame, too, she's quite a looker.  Had no right to treat you that way.  Women like that think they're too good for the likes of us, eh."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Eli gulped down his beer.  "I gotta hit the john" he said and headed down the hall.  When he got back, the stranger was gone, and so was his jacket.  "Dang, everyone's a thief these days."  Then he remembered, when he had pulled out his ID earlier, he'd stuck his wallet in his jacket.  Now he had a fat nose, no girl and no wallet.  He pulled the last ten bucks out of his jeans and called the bartender.  "Bring me a bottle of bourbon and a glass."

The next thing he knew he was climbing the steps to his house.  "Why?" he wondered as he collapsed on his couch.  

Later, when the fog had lifted, he remembered.  "That was why I got drunk!  It was punch and Judy."

Deal With It

Today is day 26 of the 30 minus 2 days of writing hosted by Nicky and Mike of We Work For Cheese. Today's prompt is "Deal With It". Visit Nicky's post to see how the other poor schmucks in this challenge are dealing with it.

  89% of my readers say your readers need therapy!

  Sorry I missed the meeting, my battery died.

 What do you mean "only two more days"?

Images courtesy of blog-blond.blogspot.com

Fact or Fiction: The History of Blackbeard

Today is day 25 of the 30 minus 2 days of writing hosted by Nicky and Mike of We Work For Cheese. Today's prompt is "Fact or Fiction". Visit Nicky's post to see what the others are claiming as fact or decrying as fiction.

Image Source:  Wikipedia

He was born Edward Teach in Bristol, England, but better known as Blackbeard, the most notorious pirate in all of history.  He was a privateer for Queen Anne, before joining ranks with a crew of pirates which set his life of ruthless piracy and murder in motion.  He captured a French vessel and renamed her Queen Anne's Revenge, although no longer associated with her Majesty.  He became a pirate leader in his own right.

He eventually ended up in the small colonial town of Bath, NC, and lived in fine style after receiving a royal pardon from Governor Charles Eden.  Remember this was before the Revolutionary war and we were still under British rule.  He was welcomed by wealthy planters, and in return, entertained in his own home.  Indeed, piracy was considered a fashionable vice during that era.  He was only a threat at sea, and was, therefore, socially accepted.

Shortly after his arrival, he, the father of 13 children, married his 14th wife, and the Governor performed the ceremony.  As he was already under the Governor's protection, this further suggests that they were friends, and gave credence to the existence of an underground passage way leading well away from the Governor's house.  The tunnel would allow him to come and go without being seen, and also implicated the Governor in taking a share of his loot.

North Carolinians also benefited from Blackbeard, for while he terrorized all at sea, he brought a vast array of goods back to Bath which he sold at reasonable prices. 

Proving just how villainous he was, though, when he wished to court the Governor's daughter, she refused him because he was engaged to another man.  Blackbeard could not stand this rejection and so he murdered her fiance and cut off his hands before disposing of his body at sea.  The girl pined away and died as was fashionable after a broken romance at that time.  

Alas, he soon caught the attention of the wrong man, and the Governor of Virgina, Alexander Spotswood, sent soldiers and sailors to capture Blackbeard.  On November 22, 1718, a group of sailors led by Lieutenant Robert Maynard, captured and killed the infamous pirate.  He was beheaded and his head placed on the mast of Maynard's ship as a warning to other pirates of the fate that awaited them should they continue pirating.

Much of this is documented fact, but since he was the most notorious pirate to sail the high seas, he was also the subject of much speculation and talk became legend.  Which is fact and which is fiction?  You be the judge.

Sources:  Text that was adapted from historian Robert E. Lee's Blackbeard the Pirate: A Reappraisal of His Life and Times.  Winston-Salem:  John Fl Blair, 1974, and Wikipedia.

To Dance Or Not To Dance?

Today is day 24 of the 30 minus 2 days of writing hosted by Nicky and Mike of We Work For Cheese. Today's prompt is "Confucius". Visit Nicky's post to see what else Confucius says.

Ann had wanted to take dance lessons for years, but Carl refused, stating he had two left feet.  That was just an excuse and she knew it, but she had a plan.

Image Source:  wisze's photostream

"Are you ready", he called, "we don't want miss our reservation".  They had these reservations for weeks.  Le Chateau was a hard restaurant to get into, but they wanted to do something special for Carl's birthday.

"I'm almost ready, you go start the car and I'll be right out."  She had to get his birthday card which contained his gift.

They arrived at the restaurant and were seated at corner table next to the window.  The view was gorgeous, overlooking the river, the multi-colored lights on the bridge twinkled, reflecting on the water. 

"A bottle of your best Champagne, please."  Carl beamed.  He had always wanted to say that.  It was his birthday and he was going all out.  "Two steaks, medium rare, too please."  

"Thank you, sir" said the waiter.  "I will be right back with your Champagne".  

"Carl" exclaimed Ann, "Do you have any idea how expensive that is?"  She really didn't care, though, she was happy just watching him enjoy himself.  God knows he works hard enough for it.

"This is fantastic.  This has to be the best meal I've ever had, except for your cooking, of course", Carl said, quickly correcting his faux paux.

"OK," said Ann, smiling "now for the rest of your gift."  She pulled a card from her purse and placed it in front of him.  

"I thought we agreed that this dinner would be my birthday gift."  He opened the card and he grinned from ear to ear.  Inside was a receipt for 6 weeks of fencing lessons.  "Oh Ann, this is so cool.  Thank you!"  Carl had been longing to learn fencing for years, ever since watching sword fight scenes in old movies. "Did you know I love you?" he asked teasingly.

Then he noticed something else in the card.  It was a second receipt, for 6 weeks of dance lessons.  Ann was very clever in her choice of fencing instructors.  This particular one required students to demonstrate dance skills, stating that one can't fence properly with two left feet.  Since Ann wanted to take dance lessons, and Carl wanted to learn fencing this was perfect.  "Still love me?" she teased back.

But seeing the look of dismay on his face, Ann explained their policy.  "Confucius say: Don't give sword to man who can't dance."