It is about midnight on All Hallows Eve...we hear Artie telling about how he came to be...
"Dead, I tell you, I'm dead, deceased, departed life, moved on. Well, not exactly moved on. You wanna know why I haven't moved on? I'll tell ya why. I was killed, offed, whacked, 86'd, took a swim in cement shoes. You know...MURDERED!"
"How", asked the man on the next stool?
"OK, here's how it went down. I was taking my share of our "business" profits, and Louie, my "associate", said I was stealing, that I was taking more than my share. Now, I'm out there busting my chops, taking all the chances, cleaning things up, and I only get 30%. I just took what I had coming to me, and he said "oh yeah, well now you're really gonna get what's coming to ya."
The kicker is that when he said he needed to discuss a little problem we were having, I thought he'd found out about Claire and me...Claire is his old lady. I opened my big mouth to deny the affair, and he said, "Artie, Artie, Artie, I wouldn't kill you for that. Now, stealing from me...that's different. So he pulls out his 45 and bang, lights out. He dumps my body into a ravine, where I was torn to shreds by wild animals. My sister couldn't even identify my body."
Now Artie looks at the guy who had been quietly listening to his story. "So what's your deal?"
"The name's Sam, and I'm dead, too." came the hoarse reply.
"Yeah? How'd you go?"
"I was poisoned by my wife for cheating on her with Gina, my cousin's wife, and then strangled by my cousin for the same offense. Who could blame me? She was quite the little firecracker."
"Sam, your Gina..she have flaming red hair...sea green eyes?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"It's a good thing you're already dead, or I'd kill you myself. She's my sister."
"Hey, sorry man! I've got a sister, too. Uh oh, it's almost dawn, I'd better be getting back to my grave. Til next year..."
A work of fiction for Magpie Tales.
