Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Eli and the Redhead

Welcome to the 27th day of the 30 minus 2 days of writing challenge hosted by Nicky and Mike of "We Work for Cheese".  Today's prompt is "And That's Why I Got Drunk".  My contribution today is a work of fiction and yet another adventure in the life of Eli.  Now go visit Nicky's post for more excuses.

It was in the wee hours of the morning when Eli stumbled up his steps.  He fumbled with his keys, then dropped them.  They went over the rail and into the bushes.  He stumbled back down the steps, missed the last one and landed in a pile of dog poop.  "Darn dog", he mumbled.  He scrounged for the keys, and jabbed a thorn into his thumb. "Sh..!" 

Eli rights himself, sucks on his injured thumb, and climbs back up the steps.  

Four hours earlier: 

Eli was sitting on his favorite stool at the Come As You Are Saloon.  He liked this place because he knew everyone, and they all knew him.  It reminded him of that old TV show from the 80s.  You know the one - where everyone knows your name.

Anyway, he was sitting there nursing a Stella, when in walked a woman.  Not just any woman, but the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  She was a redhead, and he'd heard they could be feisty.  She was wearing 5-inch red stilettos and a black dress so tight it looked like she must have been born in it.  Her green eyes sent sparks flying when she looked his way.

Now Eli was an average dude, but he believed he sprang from Royalty.  He knew in his heart his mother was a Princess, and that made him special.

He left his stool and walked over to the gorgeous redhead. 

"What's your name, sweetheart?", he said, trying to be cool.

She just looked at him, then past him at his bar mate, Paul.  He tried again. 

"I said what's your name?  My name's Eli".

"Hmmm, that's nice.  What's his name?" indicating Paul who was watching this play out.  Poor Eli!  All the other women had turned him down.  They said he was just too weird...something about birds and he was constantly talking about his mother.

"Oh, that's Paul.  He's another regular here."

The redhead pushed past him and swayed over to where Paul was sitting.  "Hello there.  It's Paul, right?"

Not about to be left out Eli followed, then much to his embarrassment, he tripped on a loose floor board.  As he gyrated to try and stay upright he grabbed for the table, but got the redhead's...um...posterior instead. 

"Oh, sorry...I never did get your name," as he tried to recover.

As she swung and punched him in the nose, she said, "My. Name. Is. Judy."  Paul is now laughing openly at Eli's tortured look, not to mention his rapidly swelling nose.

"Bartender", called Paul, "another round on me, and an icepack for my friend, here." 

Eli slunk into a back booth, bemoaning his never ending stream of bad luck with women. About that time a man, another stranger to the bar, slid into the seat opposite him.  

"I saw what just happened.  That's a dang shame, too, she's quite a looker.  Had no right to treat you that way.  Women like that think they're too good for the likes of us, eh."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Eli gulped down his beer.  "I gotta hit the john" he said and headed down the hall.  When he got back, the stranger was gone, and so was his jacket.  "Dang, everyone's a thief these days."  Then he remembered, when he had pulled out his ID earlier, he'd stuck his wallet in his jacket.  Now he had a fat nose, no girl and no wallet.  He pulled the last ten bucks out of his jeans and called the bartender.  "Bring me a bottle of bourbon and a glass."

The next thing he knew he was climbing the steps to his house.  "Why?" he wondered as he collapsed on his couch.  

Later, when the fog had lifted, he remembered.  "That was why I got drunk!  It was punch and Judy."



14 comments:

  1. What a wind up!!!! I never saw it coming.

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  2. Great story, Linda. I'm proud of you for those puns!

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  3. Oh no, another blogger falls victim of Dufus' sneaky plan of punny world domination.

    Seriously, though, great job, Linda. ;)

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  4. Very pun-ny, Linda! I loved it! You made a true character out of Eli.

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  5. That took me a minute, but it was worth it:~)

    I liked so many things,but really enjoyed the name of the bar: "Come As You Are Saloon" and how you described Judy's dress, " a black dress so tight it looked like she must have been born in it..." Well done.

    You must be exhausted from writing so much. Yet, your words are still creative and fun.

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  6. Good grief, Linda, that's a nice tale, but Dufus would a been proud of that punchline!

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  7. Dufus and Linda, sittin' in a tree...

    Great read, Linda. I'm smiling broadly.

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  8. That took me a second, but I blame the challenge :)

    Also, where can I get a 10$ bottle of bourbon?

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  9. Love your story. I'm not just saying that cause it's your birthday! Gotta feel sorry for the guy. Great flow and humor.

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  10. I did NOT see that coming!!! GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD ONE!

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  11. Cheryl- I bet Eli was a bit startled too.

    Dufus- Thanks! That means a lot coming from the master.

    Ziva- Thanks! Not holding any candles though.

    Talon- Thank you. You should go read nonamedufus. He is the master.

    Sara- This did run a bit long, but that's as long as it took to tell the story. Glad you liked it. It was mentally exhausting and took a lot of focus, so I got behind in reading/commenting outside the challenge. Trying to get back on track.

    Indigo- I got a nice compliment from him. Glad you enjoyed Eli's story. He has an interesting history.

    MikeWJ- "smiling broadly" That was my objective!

    Mike- It was a tad long - sorry. About the bourbon, depending on the brand and size of the bottle, you can get $10 bourbon here. Probably not the best stuff, but then Eli didn't have a lot to spend.

    Ashley- Hey, it's always good to see you here. Thanks for the b-day wishes. Glad you liked the story. Did you read his history (the princess)?

    Katherine- Thank you...takes deep bow.

    P.J.- Indeed! Guess I picked a habit.

    Meleah- Thank you! Had to get a few more in before I ran out of steam.

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  12. Poor Eli. I've always hated the bar / meat market scene. Your story makes me remember why!

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